...continue..

Hmm..to be honest..

I'm still wondering should I continue writing..

alright..i will stop if i cant continue..I think should be fine tonight cause tomorrow morning got no lecture...

what a happy thing..lolx!

First of all, about Yesterday(Tuesday)..It was a GREAT day for me..

I really appreciate Han jie, Wei koko and aunty mama...let me "see" uncle papa..

Let me have the chance to say last few words to him..

initially,I was really happy..but then when Koko said : "say something to uncle papa..say your last few words.."

Then, my tears just started rolling..

hmm..quite sad har?..yup..I was sad at the time..

I said to myself.."I cannot cry..cannot cry..no sad no sad..(deep breath)" then..what happened? 

quite embarrassing.. I know I shouldn't cry..especially in front of them..

I felt that..how strong they are, and how weak I'm...

they keep comforting me...and I cried even worse..OMG..

positive feedback~once my tears stared, it continues...

one more thing, I'm a weirdo! If someone keep comfort me, trying to stop me from crying, I will cry even worse..I'm doing opposite thing..><

that's how my brain works..

(A hint here: if u want me to do something, just tell me not to do it..then I'll do it..lolx!)

Actually, I didn't manage to say anything to uncle papa cause emotions and tears 'conquer' my action of speech..

yet I manage to pay him the last respect..

and koko is right..

I did spent time with him before CNY..

(yea, it's a sign for me to go back that time..and now the volcano things happened, so I have to stay here..)

I think I should be satisfied, right?

It's fate and destiny, maybe..

superstition? perhaps..

I don't really know..especially now..being exposure to evolution vs religious..

somehow I feel that sometimes I act a bit like ATHEIST...

yet...I believe in GOD sometimes..

I don't really sure about this now..

Before this event, I prayed everyday, morning and night..

For the health and safety..yet...............

hmm..It's destiny..

I better stop talking about this topic..I don't want to involve in the debate of Science vs religious.

It might go on forever..who knows.. ⊙﹏⊙

ok..let's continue..

I'm sorry..I think this post is going to be quite long..u may be excused not to continue reading..

; )

Despite that, I think I should thank my mum and sister for letting me know about this news..

they put it in a quite unusual way..indirectly..

they start with..."how long have you not contact with uncle papa & aunty mama?"

"mm..quite a while..before Easter, maybe.."

then my sister shouted at me, "why so long?"

"mmm..cause uncle papa just had chemo, not meh? He is ill and can't talk to me.."

"ohh..yes..he can't talk...(mum said in a very soft and gentle way) He can't to you anymore..no more.."

"...?!"

"He passed away..just now.."

".....................................................(totally no respond)"

"...hmmm...(they cried)" they told me the ‘story’.....

.............................................................................................................................................

"wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!"

I started crying..cried like a baby..like I never cry before..

I think my neighbours must have heard it..It was really loud..

I believe it was my first time..crying out loudly..in front of them..

I never cry like that before since primary school, I think..

I stopped for awhile..silent..looked at the screen..

then...i started to cry again..even louder..

I know it sounded not like me..but I did it..

hugging my little green tau kua aka little green monster..

cried and cried...don't know for how long..

The little green thing is very dirty now..lolx..beware..don't touch it until i wash it..please..

If you see the way I cried on it, you will throw it away..

I was thinking to throw it away too...

but...NO WAY! 'She' is my baby..I must be crazy to even 'hurt' it..lolx~

I dont know how to do..I mean I don't even know what to respond..

I don't know what to say..

I felt like as if i were in a DARK space alone on my own..as if I were autistic(a bit harsh, I know)...empty minded...full of question marks in my mind..

For the whole day, I don't really know what was I doing..

I continued skype with Issac after the news..I cried in front of him again..

Thank you, KZ..

I know you've spent quite some times with me.. just accompany me..

tell me something meaningful..(just some helpful lar..but most are true..)

and my sister...thanks for calling me and let me talked to Aunty mama that night..

I didn't cry on the phone..just for <5 min talk..she hanged up..I don't know what to say..I think she can feel it..

I just said,"Aunty mama, must rest well har..take care..(don't sad).."

I don't think I can console much..I was really sad..and I tried hard to not think about it..

yes..through the phone..I can feel her courage..she is brave..I know she must be extremely sad too that time..

But she was quite calm..really calm..

This is my aunty mama..strong aunty mama..=]

For the Sunday night...I don't really remember what i did..

I revised, I cooked...I cried..I slept....I put appear offline in FB and MSN..cause don't feel like interacting..sorry..

Monday..

I went to lectures, to class...as usually..

before second lecture, I receive email from my mum about condolence on newspaper...

I looked at it..tears came down again..

that was why i was later than usual, xiao chun chun(aka yuan yuan)..XD

I had a piano class that day..Yuan yuan taught me play "chopstick"..haha..very cute music!

Thank you, yuan yuan...I played piano that evening..

It's true..sometimes..music helps!

but that day..was the same..less interaction..I didn't have proper lunch or dinner..xd

don't be mad..i hate NH food..it's suck..XP

very peace monday night for me..

Then, Tuesday..I put 'online' cause i know someone is going to find me..

yes! ah Han jie jie talked to me..and ...continued with the starting..

..

....

.....

.......

...........................................................................................................................................

Tuesday night, Issac went to aunty mama's house..

and he came back home and accompany me..(through skype)

glad that he was with me..he told me this, told me that...

^^

that night...I cried..cried....cried till i satisfied..cried till I was tired...

T^T

That's the way for me to express my feeling..all at once.....

a major one..then...less emotions...

maybe some minor ones....

End here..I shall continue in the next post..

super duper long post! ;D